As I revisited my blog about 'Impending Fatherhood', I realised it was a failure as a blog. I'm sure I learnt a lot by putting pen to paper (so to speak). But when it comes to the true spirit of a blog, I can't help but feel its a failure. What I really feel would have been effective was to have the people commenting about things that made them suceed as parents. Things that worked for them. Instead it ended up with me defending my opinion... which was definitely the last thing I wanted to do. So without much ado... if I can have the tolerance of ze parents in the forum- please share with me what really worked with your kids... and ze non parents in the forum- please share with me what you have seen parents do that has worked for their kids. Also if you are upto it, share with me what didn't work. I'm sure we will have more fun this way.
Friday, March 30, 2007
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28 comments:
Well-- not a failure, probably with the intensity of the topic, most of us got carried away and lost the original goal which you intended for it :)
It was still fruitful in a weird way-- aduchundom la??
Here are some of my thoughts and experiences (applies for infant & toddler)
Consistency is the key. Though it is very obvious, this is single most important aspect of parenting which is difficult to follow but yields good results.
Kids learn more things by observing us. So, changing us (looking inward) will certainly help.
Things that will be very useful to train:
1) Making the kid sleep in separate crib/bed (even in the same room) from 4-6 months.. will help in long run
2) Sleep time routine. (but this may backfire if you are traveling etc.)
3) Make them watch good TV programs for short duration will develop their skill set
4) Reading books for atleast 10 minutes helps
List goes on
Being a "proud parent" is another topic which interests me.
I used to wonder and sometimes gets irritated with parents who cannot stop talking about their Kid's adventures.
Initially I thought that is something I should not do. As time progressed some of things my little one did really surprised me which in turn overflowed to close (and sometime not-so-close) friends.
Now my philosophy is, it is one of the things worth monitoring to see whether we cross some boundary (set by ourselves)
More to come.
@brainwaves: Interesting... any stories/incidents where keena saw through you and got the better of you??
What about Saumya's angle ??
It depends on the situations most of the time. Although we can read or listen from experienced parents, mostly, you learn as you go along. Dont be afraid to experiment.
We have been trying to make her sleep separately. mostly it works. But sometimes in the middle of the night she cries (2am or 3am) and we are lost.
If the cry sounds like shes frightened.. (or if I have early morning meeting the next day) we soothe her. Otherwise we let her cry (With thaatha paati at home, its very difficult!). All this started after 6 months, btw. Till then, I was sleepwalking at work.
The crying time has reduced from 45 mts to 8 mts lately. But its never the same. Trick is, we try to play with her, till shes tired and then poof, within minutes shes gorrr...
@sdpal: so you think letting her cry works for you (assuming no pain) ?
It worked...
Lately we have been sleeping 10-6
(Occasionally, once in a week atleast, she wakes up in the middle of the night) so far.. (touch wood!)
Well....one thing is inevitable. Each person has a different personality. The bright side is, you kid will have the qualities from both. The flip side is, the child is bright enough to discern the differences, and know how to play their cards.
A simple case in hand would be: I like an uninterrupted sleep pattern - hit pillow, sleep heavily till dawn and go. My hubby is infamous for his sleeping habits, or lack thereof. Now, my daughter sees this difference in our thoughts, though we don't debate the pros and cons in her presence. So, when she does not want to fall asleep (though she is sleepy), she relies on her father for support. She is clearly using our differences in pattern to obtain a win situation for her. People can advise that we should change the pattern to be consistent. This may not be a great example, but if one person does change their behaviour to project differently for the child, they are stifling their natural self. BELIEVE ME when I say, your child will reach in, and pull your real self out. When that happens, it confuses the child.
The thing is to agree upon some basic things to enforce - and let your child's personality develop using inputs from both parents.
I have more to say.....i'll put in more comments.
Another classic case of improvisation happened yesterday.
When I reached home late evening my daughter came running towards me. There was no usual "hi appa" or gleaming smile. She had sense of purpose and she said in a matter-of-fact tone.. "Appa I went Ussa (no. 1) in carpet" (with a smile). Right after she finished I hear huffing & puffing from the grand parents who could not match her run and reached the living room a nano sec later to tell the same thing in complaining tone (she is in potty-training phase and going ussa in carpet is "punishable").
They apparently told her that they will tell me about her intentional mishap.
Now I did have a talk with her and she did oblige to me. But she nullified the impact.
No conclusions or analysis.. but just the facts :)
I am not in any remote way connected to parenting skills of any sort...But, one thing which one of my friend often tells that I believe would work is, "Pattu Pattunu Naalu mudhugula vachaa ellam sariya poidum..."..;).. I think, life is unfair and power/authority wins and I think kids should know that early on...:)
I have seen lot of parents, trying different ways to train their kids.I met one of my friends, a new parent , last night. Was really impressed with the way she is training her daughter, who is 6 months old now. Right from day one, her daughter sleeps in her own crib,in her own room. For the first two months, it was obviously difficult for the Mom , but she feels it was worth it.Now, she sleeps peacefully .
To get her daughter to know the difference between day and night, she has created a night_time routine of giving a hot bath and takes her daughter around the house,switching of all the lights, which is almost like a sign for the young one that its crib time with her dear bunny.
She did face a lot of opposition from her parents, but at the end of the day, I think it is your kid and you have to train them properly.
@saumya- waiting for a rainy day for more of the promised comments ?
@mindframes: yea- i have seen cases where a good rap works too. Also seen cases where it doesn't work.. :) (take me for instance).
@survivor: I have seen kids being moved from crib in the same room to a seperate room around their first year completion and that seems to work too. In general those parents feel the earlier the better.
@Survivor-- couldn't agree with you more on the seperate crib part. Although I agree that it really is a heartwrenching thing to do ( moreso to others than new parents *LOL*), it sure does seem to help the child in the long run.
At what age, parents want to do that is honestly a prerogative issue. While some insist that the earlier the better, there are some who seem to have done at at 1 or 1.5 years and still have reaped positive results.
@sdpal-- Good going with the 45-->8 minutes. Harini is already on her way to soothing herself and being comfortable in her own presence which helps children more than we can imagine. Way to go da...
@mindframes: Seriyana potti for mudhugula naalu *ROTFLOL*
Your statement of "Life is unfair....." is so true. Till the formative years, showing authority and giving them less choice on what they can & cannot do certainly helps.Ofcourse, going overboard has its repurcussions and one should pick and choose their battles. But the key is Sriks's observation-- consistency in every form of parenting. Needless to say,sometimes it doesn't work & it is then that a backup plan should be implemented, thereby striving to achieve a similar result.
@everyone:
I was thinking about this question and something suddenly dawned on me... Is parenting overrated? I certainly agree that every parent tries their best to shape their children's life towards success...But, how is success defined?...I am not talking about handling a kid here which is a totally different problem that everyone has talked about...I am talking about, plain cause and effect...
I dont know how to comprehensively express my opinion...But, let me try... Few questions... What impact does parenting do to kids? Does it ensure success, in the way parents envision it? Do kids stick to what parents instruct them to do, in long term? Does it matter? and so on....
I think, (probably a big generalisation) kids are brought up with a certain vision setup by parents. But, kids are indeed humans and they have their own opinions. They tend to follow parents till a point due to respect/love/economic dependency... But, when it is time, they diverge and start practicing what they think is right...
I think parents play a great role in supporting a kid through their love and affection and in guiding them with their experience. But somehow, I am not able to agree that parents mold their kids... I think, most parents want their kids to be successful and try their best to achieve that... But, I believe that reality is entirely based on what each individual wants to do... In the big picture, I think the relationship between a parent and a kid is probably entirely based on how much love and understanding that exists between them and everything else is probably just noise in the background...
@mindframes: Very well put. That;s exactly what Manohar and I have talked about on several occassions in the past.
In answer to your comment is this badhil comment...
Although, every parent wants the best for kids, ultimately all we can do is support and show them examples of our own experiences. And, this is applicable only until they come to a certain age when they are able to distinguish between right and wrong (however not acceptable by us that differentiation might be). This coupled with the kind of personality/individual the child is, is what shapes/moulds them . But as to the basic moulding part, I do believe that the values one instills in the child early on forms a major part of what they have a strong chance of turning out to be. Again, the last observation is just a hope, not gauranteed :)
@mindframes: according to statistics from freakonmics- Parenting is overated :)
Whether it is or not- I would still like people to share their stories... like some people think 'mudhugala nalaa potta...' and why it works. somebody else thinks 'comforting works better' and stories of why they have seen that work. So in this context- do you have any stories or incidents that you would like to share that indicates that parenting is irrelevant ?
@brainwaves: *rofl* kids are very perceptive
A few of our friends who have kids have tried the following:
1. They carry through with a threat when it is made. For instance, "you are not supposed to do it, or are to do it now", give them a time limit to do it. If within that time limit they don't make a move towards doing it, a materialistic thing close to the kid is taken away ( can also be an emotional one like a parent doesn't talk to the child for say a specific time). Shows the kid consistency and also that parents mean it when they say something. It takes a little more effort from a parent to make sure that they carry through with what they say if they want their kid to take them seriously. Basically establish a pattern strongly.
2. The 1st point also touches on making the child accountable for what they do which will make the kid aware that they are certain things which are totally beyond boundary. Ofcourse, kids always push the limits since they are manipulative by nature. It's then that establishing the same pattern (very important) every single time that will make a discernible difference. Slowly, the kids get used to the do and dont's and it becomes 2nd nature to them.
3. Coming to the concept of time-out, there're mixed reactions from parents since we have seen it work for some and not for some. So it's a no brainer I guess. Possibility is to try it and see and decide if that's indeed the path for disciplining their child
4. Talking about disciplining, which age is the right stage to start? Some start as early as when the manipulation begins which is typically around 5/6 months ( like crying when u leave them et al.,) while others think children should be given more leeway until they are a toddler. Manohar & I know of more than a few kids who have been disciplined using all the above I have mentioned and it worked for each one of them. Doesn't mean that IT IS the way to do, but something to keep in mind I suppose, atleast for us as expecting parents :)
Interesting thoughts everyone
But against Mano's best efforts to steer the comments, IMHO this blog is going in similar direction as previous one.
Yea- A few of the prev comments are more in the spirit of the prev blog than this one.
Lets enjoy the stories of children/parent behaviours- what they did- how it worked or backfired :)
Looking at the comments, I feel that discipline has taken on the meaning of only enforcement. One of the ways to impose discipline is enforcement.
Who says the child who enjoys quiet time with the mother, or playing by themselves for a while in their own world is not disciplined? I see a disciplined child when I see the child in harmony with their surroundings. When I see a child, flexible enough to not want to adhere to their strict schedule, I see a disciplined child.
I enjoy reading books with my daughter. You know what - when she is fussy/not in the mood to listen - guess what works like a charm? Distraction!
I distract her by reading aloud a book she enjoys - and lo, she settles down, and then it is easier to talk to her. How different is it with adults? Don't we all respond better when calm?
@saumya: Interesting.. so distraction works for you better than enforcement. Nice perspective.
@saumya: I forgot to add- any stories/scenarios where distraction fails and you are forced to enforce -- so to speak.
I forgot to ask for one interesting scenario.. How are the kids from vegetarian homes managing at school?
Some of the implementation methods of disciplining are (from books & seen in other friends)
- When you want to tell the kids that they are crossing the line & give instructions, try to get down to their level(this does not apply for less than 2 yr old ofcourse :) )
- And use the tone which is lower than your usual to avoid them getting scared and go to shell
(Like Tamil pada villian)
@brainwaves: I can understand the 2nd. For for 1st I'm unable to grasp the concept-- sure get to their level, but what exactly do you mean? Any examples to clarify the concept?
As Shankar once said...maybe you guys should start discussing over phone now
@survivor: we are giving shanky too much credit aren't we :) ?
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