Disclaimer: This blog contains my opinion on Parenthood in general and Fatherhood in specific. These are my opinions and as is always the case with opinions- they are just that. Please don't feel invalidated or insulted by them... at the sametime comments are as always welcome and ofcourse the whole point of the blog.
As Meera's delivery date nears- we have had ample time as a couple to think of parenthood. Is there something called a good parent? Specifically, me as an individual- what kind of person I am that translates to what kind of father will I be? What kind of father should I be? (the two are obviously different things). So as I look around there is more literature on this subject than anything else. As we all know parenthood is not a status that is bestowed after careful study. One needs no eligibility other than the act of procreation (I didn't include adoption- because thankfully in that case there is somebody who scrutinizes you for your abilities to be a parent). So no wonder this gets to be a highly talked about subject and there is in general absolutely no consensus among the so called experts and definitely no consensus among existing parents. To add to the chaos, to be parents like me have opinions of what a good parent is- without really being in the context of being a parent. Add to this stew the different cultural do's and don'ts and being Indians in America (I suppose most of the authors of this blog are that) we are caught in an environment that we didn't grow up in.
So with so many uncertainities around- the context of this blog is that most ideas of good parenting/bad parenting are just opinions. There are even opinions that what you do as a parent doesn't really matter- peer pressure shapes a child more. Well... Well.. Well.. inspite of all that let me start anyway for what its worth...
First, I'm going to skirt around the idea of what makes a good parent. Instead I will see if we can work backwards. What results do we really want for/in our children? If I can agree with myself on that- I would think it will be easier to work backwards (Merlin's principal) and find one of many methods that work to gain the result.
1. Most of us live in Suburbs, which by definition isolates the child from pretty much every aspect of life that the child may face as an adult. In this island the child grows up with doting parents and even more doting grandparents. Add to this that most parents are working fulltime and grandparents can only make occasional visits. With these constraints most parents/grandparents want the little time with their child to be all about the child. Which is fine for a while- but as it enters society in the form of preschool/school, there is culture shock. The world doesn't really revolve around the kid... tough luck. So the first result I would like is a kid that is not really full of itself. I would like to explore techniques that tell the kid that its very much loved- but its yet another member of the family. Sometimes things will go its way and sometimes things won't. There are some examples that I have seen different parents do that I personally like, here is an example. Sleep time is precious, but its not so precious that nothing will disturb it. There will be circumstances where the kid will be woken up - I would like to show the kid that is no big deal. He/She can always sleep in a car later. Undisturbed sleep is overrated. This ofcourse is just one example... and as always everything starts by setting an example and I will try to lead by example in my life.
2. Probably this should be the first point- but I see so many kids so full of themselves (in my opinion) that I thought I had to put that first. So for the second point- I don't really want to control the kid's life. Sure in the early stages of childhood such a result can't be achieved without seemingly being controlling (in the form of setting and removing limits). But as time goes on I will want the kid to realise I'm there more as a buddy to discuss things with rather than a father who approves of points x, y and z and dissaproves everything else. I realise this is the toughest thing to implement and I will have to take it as it comes.. but my initial idea is to transition gently from a parent as a rule setter to a parent as a debator. But I'm not sure at this stage about the specifics of implementation- I just want this result.
3. Instil in them no specific values- but instead try to promote an enquiring mind that understands the funtion of society and the role an indvidual plays in the society. For example, I will definitely not choose for the kid the religion it should follow or not follow nor choose for him to be away from religion altogether. I will not tell him/her that living in with somebody is immoral and the only moral thing is to live a married life. I will hopefully help them understand their own sexuality - whether they decide that they are straight or gay or in million places in between. It doesn't matter if they drink/smoke- If they have an inquiring mind, I'm sure they will be able to figure out whats good for them. If I suceed with point 2, they will have me for support to understand what they are going through and point out things as it looks from my view point. Hopefully if they understand their role in society and understand the rules that society plays with - they will stay off drugs and crime. Again in the knowledge that they will understand for themselves that somethings work and somethings don't in society and breaking the law has consequences. If they still do go ahead and break the law- there is nothing else to do but be there to support them and help them face the consequences and get them back into individuals that work together in society.
Above point doesn't mean I won't set a specific framework for my kids. I definitely will, but at the sametime at a point in their childhood where their awareness of different issues increase, I will hopefully point out the rationale behind the framework I set and from that point make it more of a colaboration game where we all sit together and decide whats best for us.
4. Bouncability, there is no other attribute I admire the most. The ability to bounce right back from failure and go 100% all over again. Everybody fails, but I believe the truly happy ones are those who don't suffer their failure but just bounce right back. This is definitely one of those that requires a strong example setting and has many subspecifics... a) failure is normal b) admitting ones wrong doing c) risk taking - which is really the other side of fear of failing. I can definitely apply this point to itself (parenting) and show that I'm willing to change my attitude about specific methods of parenting and I am open to changing my idea of expected results I have when I realise they don't work.
The above are just a few of the things that has been running amok in my mind for a whole while now. There are more- but for the sake of the sanity of this blog and to limit it I shall end the results with just four. As a post script, I would also not like to take my role as a father too seriously. Nothing is cast in stone, there will be breakdowns and there will be breakthroughs in what I expect. But I will hopefully strive to enjoy the journey.
Post post script: The 'I' here stands for both me and in most cases for us 'Meera and Me' as parents. Its just so much more easier to write as 'I' and refer to the child as 'it' instead of him/her in every occasion.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Impending Fatherhood
Posted by Manohar at 2:29 PM
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40 comments:
You have precisely put into words what we have experienced pre and impending parenthood these past years.
One thing that I really liked about these opinions is your forthright non-sugar coated way of putting it rather than trying to be wishy-washy.
As any other phase in life, guess we will try, fail and rise again, hopefully stronger and wiser. Hoping we can give our next generation a part of ourselves, our experiences yet at the same time not get lost in the "parent role" of exercising what we want for them rather than what they want to do!
Lastly, parenthood is an experience and every parent has their own reasons for doing something that they do. So like Manohar said-- nothing is set in stone and there's no right or wrong
Manohar, the words and sentiments you've expressed here are exquisite. I would like to make this recommended reading for prospective parents everywhere. Best of luck to Meera, you, and the little one(s)...
For the rest of the folks in this blog.. Ramakrishnan aka Sriram is my cousin and one of my earliest buddies.
@ Mano: I really really like the points you have raised in your post. However it seems to be that there is a missing link in the whole story. While it is clear to me that both of you have thought very clearly about how things should be handled, what makes life interesting in general is the inability of the common man to remove "interaction" effects.
For instance in your analysis everything is broken down crystal clear as indepedent effects. For instance points 2, 3 and 4 can all be connected in some complex (in my world non linear) fashion. Therefore while living in the suburbs might probably cocoon the kid, it might have other relative benefits which you lose out by living elsewhere.
Further what is missing in the thought process seems to be how you would react to the kid himself. For instance a daunting task for parents (in my opinion) is to try and predict what would be the next question my son will ask or how is he likely to react to a possible event. Therefore your actions will most certainly be dictated in part by the interaction between the kid and yourself and also with his interaction in and around the people he lives around.
The art of parenting to me I guess is the ability of the parent to think on their feet and control the situation as and when required. I guess it is a tough job but looks like you guys are well prepared.
Good luck and wish you all the best
@madmax: I hope there is no implications that the points are necessarily seperate. Ofcourse things interact and I do agree they have a complex involvement... I just am not sure I'm precluding that. I'm sure its there but I have no way of predicting it- so I'm not worried about it.
Also the suburb is just to establish a context for that point. Ofcourse we know there are adv and disadv to everything- I'm not so worried about the adv as its very obvious and ofcourse we acknowledge those.
I agree about your point of day to day activities. I view these plans as the rough equivalent of my bird's eye view of the whole thing. Something to refer back every once in a while. So it doesn't preclude any of the spontainety you mention. I just didn't go into it because in my opinion its just not in the context of this blog.
Also let me take this oppurtunity to reassert. This blog is not about me trying to make a point- because of the very nature of the subject, I don't really think there is any point to make. Its just a way for me to share what I think would work for me/us... more like what inspires me. :)
Thanks for sharing your opinions. They are ofcourse interesting.
I like the first point. I think kids in general draw so much of attention from everyone around that they "take things for granted". This is especially true if grandparents are around. The sooner they shed that attitude, the better they will be.
About promoting an enquiring mind that understands society, I feel this depends a lot, I really mean a lot here, on the kind of exposure the kid gets. Parents have to create opportunities/situations which makes the kid think about values.
One specific thing which comes to my mind is about understanding the value of money and the value of practices like charity and donation. These might be too much for a 4 or 6 year old kid but if the parents themselves practice these things then it is definitely creates a better environment for the child to realize the value society.
Anyways....
folks ashwin is a buddy of mine from cisco bangalore.
@ashwin: I hear you buddy.. somethings are way easier said than done. The more imaginative we are in creating the situations I'm sure the kid benefits. At this stage I'm not figuring out the implementation- purely because thats a whole big topic in itself. Just trying to figure out the necessary results that inspire me.
@ Mano: perfectly fine...i like ur inspiration and ideas though...good luck...
have to agree that your views are as objective as they can be and I also do agree with the views. It was a real good read.
I think most of us do think of parenthood even if we are not on the brink of parenthood or marriage etc etc - but just because we have seen it through our parents.
Here are just a few views I have wrt the broad subject of parenthood (not necessarily a reaction to your views):
1. Most of us tend to think we are going to be better parents than our parents simply because we have access to more information and what not. As points raised earlier in your blog and the comments suggest, parenthood is a complex interaction - we can only prepare ourselves in the best way, but we have no control on what the results will be. Obviously, we control how we take the results, but thats another story...
2. To me one of the circumstances that breaks down most of the best prepared parents is illness during early childhood (either a case of frequent illness or a case of onetime major illness) and this seems to have a great impact on most if not everything else the child experiences. The helplessness one feels during such circumstances can only be experienced and I think it tends to have a big impact on how you show your love/care to the child.
3.How does one deal with a challenged child? I guess this runs thru the minds of most (would-be) parents whether they like it or not - in the first few years of the child development I guess most of the time gets spent in assuring yourself (subconciously) that the child is atleast as normal as you would expect it to be. Most parents have a blown up picture of the child's talents and capabilities and a few parents who have the exact opposite views.
I guess the list just goes on... anyways, its just as life is .. no different :-)
Good luck Manu and Meera. I am sure you will enjoy it and the kid will enjoy it too :-)
@sunitha: very insightful esp 3. I'm not very sure about 2., but then again like you said it can only be experienced not really understood by an observor.
According to me, "Lead by example" summarizes everything.
You cannot shape a child totally different from the kind of person you are.
To make it little complex, husband & wife are two different individuals in most of the family. Some of parenting list individuals have may come naturally to one of and not to other.
To take an example, mother may think a kid doing drug is unacceptable and should be "controlled". And father may think it is learning process.
If you take this discussion to extended family (grand-parents) think there is no harm in giving the kid some leeway when they are very young.
Compromises have to be made in these cases. And sometime there is a learning process involved.
Coming back to your blog, kick-starting the parenting thought process so early is something to be appreciated.
And all the best to you guys!
@Brainwaves: I'm sure there are compromises and leeway in everything involved (not just bringing up children). The really interesting point to me though is what the compromises are and how much leeway is given- obv these differ for different people (and probably a function of our individual personalities too) and in my opinion irrespective of the compromises and leeway as long as there is a framework for the child which sets limits for it- hopefully everything is ok. I doubt any two people can really agree on every limit that works for them.. in general though what I noticed is that most schools seem to follow certain rules and my hope is if i emulate those in the preschool days, the transition is gentle for the child. Else its kind of a rude bump and painful for them.
@Mano,
I have not given any serious thought to being a parent.All I want to say is ,when it comes to opinions,"To each ,his/her own".
My two cents worth.."Life is unpredictable and everything is not black and white.Its easy to be rational when it comes to thinking about things in general or even others, but there are lot more emotions involved when it comes to self." And, our personalities are supposedly set within the first 6 months....for everything else..there is master card :-)
Being prepared to face consequences is always a good thing. And it is good that you guys are prepared... But, I think your view assumes a certain "ideal" world... When uncertainities kick in, all bets are off. But then, what options does one have other than to hope for the best and be prepared for that...
@ survivor: "...for everything else there is mastercard..." ROTFL...awesomeee
@ Mindframes: pretty much my opinion too...as i said in my comment, the ability to adapt is the key aspect..uncertainty will be resolved over time, but the learning curve is important..
@survivor: can i have that master card ?
@mindframes: like I tried to convey- I'm only articulating the results I would like to see. Ideal world or not so ideal world affects the road to the result... :)
To give an analogy (and stretch this in a totally unnecessary way) with which we definitely associate with- running a marathon. We declare the result first- that is to finish in so and so time (ok- some of us find, finishing to be a perfectly rewarding result in itself). Then we go about with trial and error and using experience from others to get our training in progress. So I think you may be discussing the context of the training where obv things don't go as per plan. Yet when we are inspired by the result we need- we find some way to reach, sometimes having failed .. blah blah blah.
So I'm just sharing the results I would like to see and hope to fight for. With the caveat that if I find in the future that I'm wrong about some results that I view as desirable now, I would be open enought to myself and look for a different result.
Manu ... as always you have expressed your thoughts well. There are some things where I feel my perspective differs from yours.
Example: you mention that in order to make the transition easier to pre-school, it is better if the child is not made to feel over-important. If you zoom out the picture and see, we all need a set of people with whom we need to feel special even as adults. We fit in perfectly into office/work/academic environments where we are not special in anyone's eyes. In my opinion, we are able to do that seamlessly in the security that we do have a set of people who consider us special. The same can be said of the child. The child feels special at home, and though it may be a little unsettling at first at pre-school, he/she quickly learns that there are people who find you special with their love, there are a set of people who like you, and a set for whom you are not worth mentioning. Letting a person know they are special does not equate to spoiling.
Parenting is as much a learning experience for us as it is for the child. There are so many instances when we have had to re-learn our approaches. All approaches are theories at this point, since the variable called child's personality is unknown. Parenting needs to consider that. I am sure that the approaches that worked for the first child may not work for the second. The whole purpose is to enjoy the experience, with all its joys and tribulations, and constantly endeavour towards becoming worthy role-models for our children.
Parents who are willing to invest in their child's well-being will always do well by them.
@saumya: So beautifuly put (no I'm not just scratching your back 'cos you scratch ed mine :) ). I actually don't think our perspectives are that different at all if you really think about it.
Let me explain why...
The crux of your reply in the 1st para is 'letting the child know he/she is special does not equate to spoiling'. Agreed, I only speak of cases where in my perspective people overdo things and in the process spoil the child :)
Now coming to your second para. Again we are in sync., this again goes back to some of my replies to mindframes, madmax, etc. Just because we declare a pseudo static result as our deisrable goal doesn't mean our approach to gain the result is static. Our approach is the road to the result that we want and therefore is dynamic. Its in this context that your 2nd para exists and also the reason why I have stayed predominantly away from discussing the approach (other than provide a few as examples just to provide context). So all the things you talk about here- learning experience, relearn, theories, personality, what works/doesn't work, enjoy the experience, joys, tribulations are all in the context of the road to the result which we wanted.
Now to your last para:
Aaaawwwww!!! chooo chweet!!!
konjam too much'a theriyala?
Saumya:
Good points, however there're some things where my perspective is a little different
1. Your point about speciality is valid. Everyone needs to feel special, agreed. But, unfortunately a child has less capability at that age to be able to juggle these conflicts as us adults do in various situations. I personally have seen very well adjusted kids who been introduced into reality gently enough from a very young age. Thus-- the transition is expected to be easier although not definite given the situation at hand, so on and so forth. But, it's definitely worth the try given what the child might go through otherwise!!
2.I agree with you that all approaches need to be evaluated and taken as it comes. However an alternate take on personality:
Child's personality being unknown has changed in recent years. A child is known to exhibit distinct personalities as early as few weeks. And, given the nature/nurture debate which has been on for such a long time, it sure is possible for one to shape that personality into something that we as parents/adults/prospective parents think is in accordance with appropriate values/ideals. Easing a child into the sea of reality in my opinion definitely goes a long way in reducing the trauma they undergo during various transitional stages from 6 months-adolesence (with each transition shaping the child's personality more & more). A trauma that an adult most probably will never be able to comprehend given our ability to differentiate between the outside/inside world, special/not so special and the child's inability (at that age)
3 Also, another important thing is the reality dose adiministered from a very early age. Showing them to toe the lines of boundry in issues that matter to a parent doesnt mean they are going to think they are not special. Atleast in some of the instances I have seen, that special treatment extended to them goes a little overboard ( again, what special treatment/overboard is very relative/subjective to each person) invariably tending to spoil the child. And, by spoiling I mean making them the center of the universe resulting in an extremely hard time transitioning. Also, going overboard is not bad at all but a consistency shown in that respect is what that might tips the child's delicate balance. This in my opinion can be dealt with more adeptly by being a little more cautious about what we make the child think about themselves.
Ofcourse, all this is based on the simple fact as to how each parent/other terms special as. What is special/spoiling for one might not measure up the same way for the next!
Well, Manu & I will very soon find out :)
@meera: I think your last line pretty much summarizes the discussion that we've been having... Preparation and Planning is good. But, that is just a first step, or rather a pre-first step... Let time and results speak for itself. We shall have a discussion about this 2-3 years from now and see where things stand...:)
@ Mindframes: hehehe...2 or 3 yrs from now...cheezzz...we are talking markov chains here...only the immediatly preceding event count...the rest is history...lol
(my honest attempt to throw in a PJ...please dont mind folks)
@mindframes: now for some chillra publicity.. this thread i think takes the cake for most comments... and the winner is...... ME!
@mindframes reply to meera: "Waiting for time and results to speak for itself" is again one of those things that sounds nice to stop a discussion. But if we really followed that literally to every serious topic, would there ever be a discussion- for that matter would there ever be a blog?
@mano: you should subtract your comments and deleted comments dude..:)
I think there is no point in having an endless discussion. In my opinion, goals or visions have no meaning or value till one sees results. So, having rested everyone's opinions (the number of comments do indicate that), I think it is better to wait and look at the results... Not that results necessarily justify anything, but, they will atleast add some realistic data points...
@mindframes: You are just jealous of my comment count soaring dude :)
@mindframes:
thinking there is no point in having an endless discussion is again a personal opinion.. when you think there might be no point- there might be others who are discussing some aspect of it.
There is also a difference between one declaring that one is stepping out of the conversation by saying 'i'm not discussing this anymore'-- that is free will. But its a slightly different thing to imply another person to stop- that amounts to censorship doesn't it?
Think about it if i just went about willy nilly in every comment section and effectively said the same thing 'let the results speak for itself'- it will just be an annoyance to others. All I can do is stop discussing if i think there is no further point to be made.
Mindframes:
Guess Pre-step/first step, whatever it is, we're better off when there's a goal in mind. Although I agree that results speak for themselves, I do beg to differ that unless & until one sees results it's pointless to talk about goals. Goals helps one chart the path to acheiving it.
Better to go in with a walking stick, when blindfolded, rather with the latter alone.
@meera & mano: I think I am going to be beaten by you folks when I see you next... I do agree that I shouldnt have butted in with an inference to complete the comment thread... May be I was jealous that Mano gets a lot of comments..:)
I am not in any way trying to underestimate the importance of having a goal or vision. I think it is the most important first step. But, my humble belief is that having a goal alone does not guarantee results or make an argument valid...
@mindframes: Can't beat you up- you can easily outrun me can't you? :)
Now for your second point. Anga dhaan problem, naanu vaai kizhiya pesiyaachu- ippo adhelaam pannanuma? konjam thala sutharadhu.
@ Mano: topic spreading like wildfire man...wow 32 comments already...this must be the winner i guess...since i have been posting, cant recall one with more comments...awesome...BTW some of the comments can be blogs themselves..
YES AND THE WINNER OF THE MOST COMMENTED BLOG IS MAAANOOOOOHHAAAAARRRRR
The audience gives a standing ovation and looks around to see Mano standing up and his friends urge him to walk up to the stage.
He slowly gets to the aisle and people in nearby chairs push him on. All the women nearby give him muuahs- as he blushes and walk hurriedly mouthing 'thank yoous' to this huge audience. He gets up to the podium and raises his hands in acknowledgement. He motions everybody to sit down. The sound dies slowly and soon there is a eerie hush. They wait expectedly for him to begin talking.
Thank you! Thank you everbody. I would like to thank my mother who taught me to eat and the importance of washing hands after going to the toilet. Without which I wouldn't have been able to use the toilets here today. Thanks to my dad, who told me its ok if sometimes you have to use paper. You see he said, some countries don't use water all the time. I owe it all to that single tissue..err issue- it saved my butt. I would also like to thank my sister, her husband and their aaya and her sister too who moonlights once in a while as an aaya when the other aaya is sick. Moonlighting works! thank you!. Thanks to my wife Meera and ofcourse our boon to see child., err., soon to be child. I get so emotional thinking about it- that the meow gets my tongue. I mean cat gets my tongue. meow is cat for keena and I'm so used to saying that. Gosh- i'm rambling. Thanks to all my friends- esp the fat kid who kept farting next to me in first grade. He was really the one who got me thinking about mandatory corporal punishments.
The music starts playing rapidly in the background and the hosts are suddenly next to manohar. Gently pulling him away from the podium. He holds to it strongly... some men in black (ofcourse with sunglasses) rush and grab him. Now its a full tug of war. He is horizontal in air- with different people grabbing him at different places (ouch) and his hands stretched thin but still holding onto the podium ----....
Thank you all.. thank you... its so emotional for me
@ Mano: ROTFL..hehehe
And Manohar's new found energy this morning declares his one little forgotten comment to add to his rather dedicated oooossccar speech " And.. world peace"!!
LOL
And Thanks to Mano for contributing 50% of the comments.
@survivor: and the 50% remaining wud still make me the wiinneerr
W Mano: not exactly...what if we were to remove all your comments and comments such as the last one from survivor, meera, mindframes and myself...would u still be the winner??? lol
@madmax: trying to steal my moment? damn!
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